When You Haven’t Been Fathered Well - Breaking the Cycle
Many men I work with carry a wound not obviously visible to the world. They were not fathered well.
Their dads might have been physically present. Working hard, putting food on the table, providing. But emotionally a million miles away.
For others, their fathers were completely absent. The reasons vary from separation, to addiction and illness. Sometimes, simply a lack of interest.
And for many men that gap, that absence of something so vital, has profound effects on their psyche.
The quiet moments of connection that never happened, the reassurance that never came. The sense of being seen, and being understood, supported and guided as a young boy.
When you grow up without that steady emotional presence, it leaves a mark.
You might not notice it at first, you just get on with your life. You learn to keep your feelings to yourself, to appear strong, capable, in control. You might even pride yourself on being self-sufficient. But underneath that independence, there's often a different story. A deep uncertainty about your own worth.
The Inherited Silence
In families where emotions aren't spoken about, boys often learn that vulnerability is weakness.
Stop being soft. Pull yourself together. Sort yourself out.
Over time, these messages become internalized. You grow up knowing how to just get on with it and push through emotions. You work, you solve, you perform.
But you have no idea how to just be, and feel what you feel.
So when adult life brings challenges, you might find you don't have the tools to deal with them.
It could be a partner who wants emotional connection. A child who needs comfort. Or a moment when you feel lost or overwhelmed.
And all you can do is shut down, withdraw, or become irritable and impatient. Your internal voice still says "just get on with it".
Until you can't.
You might even feel ashamed for struggling, as if you're failing at being a man.
How It Shows in Relationships
Many men tell me they feel insecure, or that no matter what they do, it never feels like enough.
Some become anxious and clingy, desperate to be reassured that they're loved and safe.
Others go the opposite way, keeping people at a distance, afraid of being trapped, criticized, or rejected.
And some experience retroactive jealousy, feeling obsessive or tormented by their partner's past relationships, even though they logically know it doesn't make sense.
These behaviours might seem different on the surface, but they all come from the same place. A nervous system that never learned what emotional safety feels like.
It’s Not Your Fault
If this sounds familiar, I want you to know, none of this is your fault. You didn't choose the emotional environment you were raised in.
You adapted to survive it, and those adaptations helped you get this far.
But what kept you safe as a boy can become a trap in adulthood. Shutting down feelings, avoiding conflict, keeping busy, or trying to please everyone. At some point, the cost of carrying it all alone becomes too high.
That's usually the moment when something inside says, "I can't keep living like this."
Breaking the Intergenerational Pattern
This is where the real work begins. Not in blaming your father, but in understanding him.
He too was likely raised by a man who didn't know how to express love or emotion. He passed on what he knew.
We're not talking about making excuses for him, but looking underneath. What made him the man he came to be? And what stopped him recognizing this can be damaging to you?
There are reasons aplenty. The conditioning through different generations. Even the fact that the emotional language we use now was not something that was accessible in the past.
The crux of the matter is, you have the opportunity to do something different.
And breaking the intergenerational trauma doesn't mean being perfect. It means being conscious.
It means noticing your reactions, questioning your beliefs about what strength and love look like, and learning new ways of relating, to yourself and to others.
When you do this work, you don't just change your own life. You literally change the emotional DNA of your family line.
You become the man who can sit with his child's feelings without fear, or a desire to fix.
You can say, "I don't have all the answers, but I'm here with you."
You become the partner who can listen instead of defend, the partner who can become curious rather than trying to make things simply go away.
You can be the friend who can be honest about what's really going on.
You become, perhaps for the first time, the kind of father, to yourself and others, that you never had.
It’ a Different Kind of Strength
It takes courage to look at this - most men would rather keep pushing it down, distracting themselves.
But real strength isn't in avoiding pain, it's in facing it. It's in allowing yourself to feel, to speak honestly, to ask for help.
It’s in deciding that the cycle stops with you.
Therapy can be the space where you begin that process.
A place where you can untangle what’s yours from what was passed down.
You can learn to live from a more grounded, confident place. Not by fixing yourself, but by understanding yourself.
By learning to father the parts of you that were never fathered.
Because when you do this work, the men and boys who come after you don’t have to carry the same burden.
You can be the one who breaks the cycle.
If you feel you are ready to start making some changes, but maybe feel you don't know where to start, then reach out. A 20 minute consultation to see if we are a good fit, followed by a few sessions together, could be all you need to get you moving forward.